When Kyle Ann passed away, I was thrown on a journey that was undeniably life altering. The path I had been walking along had been closed off abruptly. I could no longer live my life and travel down the road I had been going down. The trail was blocked. I had to stumble around and find my way around the barrier in order to get back to some semblance of my previous journey. I had gotten injured on the trail when I tried to go around. And after struggling for a while, I found that I had made it to a path that would take me where I wanted to go. The sun was shining and I was feeling good about my travels again. The path was a bit harder yet still easy enough that I could look up to see in front of me.
I started to heal and see a bright future down my path. I could envision love, peace and joy again. But, then a storm brewed, a tempest like no other, that caused me to lose my view entirely. Brady and Liam were born way too soon. I couldn't see the path before me due to the storm. The darkness enveloped my trail. I couldn't see my way around and I couldn't see to go back. I became stuck. Then the rain turned my dirt path to mud. As I stood there, unmoving, I became one with the mud. It brought me down and held me tightly. And I allowed it to do so. I was not going to move off my path. The fear of the unknown and the darkness around me kept me secured to my place.
As I stood in my spot, not seeking shelter or help, I was whipped and beaten by the debris from the storm. I was not only frightened, I was injured.
When the storm finally cleared and I could see the broken and damaged remains of my path, it became too much for me to comprehend. My journey was over. I couldn't go on. How could I find my way through all of the mess? The road was no longer easy. The journey was no longer a walk. I would have to plod through the thick disarray. But how could I do so when I was injured so greatly? How could I trudge on when I had so much muck to slog through.
Slowly I began to move about the trail and look for a way back. But there was no way that I could see for me to go on. I could not do it alone. I cried out to God to show me the way and to help me get back to the trail I had been on. But He wouldn't show me that way again. He had covered over and hidden my old trail. He began to highlight a new path for me instead. One that was narrower than my previous one. It was not going to be an easy journey for this trail had twists and turns, with weeds and branches blocking the path. I knew it was going to be difficult, but also knew that this was the path the Lord had chosen for me. I could rest assured that this was the journey that pleased Him, no matter how hard it was going to be for me to do.
I am still going down the difficult road. I am going slow on this journey because I still have hard work ahead. I am nowhere near the person I used to be when I was on the easy road. The harder road has shown me more things than I ever thought possible. I am still afraid for I can not see as clearly anymore what lies beyond the bend, but I have had to put all of my trust in the One who does know.
I have experienced new sensations and thoughts that would never have occurred if not for the tempest. Why does pain have to be such an integral part to our humanness? Can compassion exist without suffering? Can bravery exist without danger? Can we experience pure joy with out experiencing pain?
Before, I would not have even asked these questions, but now I can answer them.
You my dear daughter make me cry....your words flow so eloquently and effortlessly. While your path may have obstacles your the best mother my grand-babies could ever have, that's why God gave them to you!
Jen, this made me cry. No one knows why God does what he does. I have been following your blog on Liam since it began and your strength and determination amaze me. Please be sure to take time for yourself. If there is anything that I can do, please call. I would come up in a heartbeat. My prayers continue....
Love you much!
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