06 August 2011

What if?

 God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.
    Elizabeth Barrett Browning

We only remember 10% of our dreams and I think I remember even less than that. I had a dream yesterday morning that I could remember. I'm usually very pressed to remember them and typically I am able to hold on to only very small glimpses of one.  But this one was different.

We were at church with a very large assemble of people. It seemed to be mostly teenagers and women. I had been there for some time but I was in the lobby, talking and looking into the auditorium from there. Various activities had taken place on stage and a woman was up there getting everyone excited. I walked in to see what the excitement was about and to take a seat. As I was walking through the crowds the girl mentioned something about people who inspire you. I tried to get out of there but the crowd started cheering and the throngs of people pushed me toward the stage. They asked me to come up.

When I get to the front I look out and see that the room is packed. The aisles are full and the crowd is cheering...at me.

When it quiets down I start to speak. But it's supposed to be about inspiration, inspiring people, and I'm not inspiring at all. I'm just a mom. I'm nothing special, and I've never done anything special. Yet the people seem excited to talk to me.

Just then one of the girls in the audience raises her hand and yells, "How does it feel to know you are an inspiration to so many and that so many people look up to you?" I laughed loudly because I had no idea what she was talking about. But then she goes on to ask how I feel about so many people reading my blog.

I'm just stunned at that point and I tell her that I never set out to be an inspiration to anyone. I only started a blog for my own personal enjoyment. It was never meant to be read by anyone other than me. I never intended for any of  'this' to happen.

And then I woke up.

I've thought about the dream, wondering if it means anything at all. Most likely it does not. But then again, what if?
I think about Liam and how little he was when he was born, how abortions are still performed at that gestational age of 23 weeks. And I think that if anyone could change their mind about 'women's choice' because of our story then that would be inspiring.

I think about Liam's disabilities and how I never thought I could do any of this. And I hope that somehow that's inspiring.

I think about my children and how much have learned by having Liam as their brother. They have learned compassion, acceptance, empathy, mercy, and delight. If they can ever pass those on because of the experiences through which they've learned them, then somehow that is inspiring.

I hope Liam, in all of his failures and triumphs, shows that life is a blessing, a precious gift, a miracle to be cherished. And that it is inspiring.

But most of all, what if someone could see Christ in us and through us because of our experiences? Could they come to know Him better? Could they see through my darkness, my failures and see him more clearly? Because I have always felt inadequate, ill-equipped, and unworthy of the challenges put before me over these past few years. I feel like I flounder and have no idea what I am doing. And if I could inspire even one person, that if I could do this through my faith in Christ, then surely they could too, well...that would be inspiring.

post signature