14 September 2013

Not my way.

I've been asked before if I have ever been angry at God for taking two of my children from me.  I can honestly answer that with a no.  I have never been angry at God for it. At least I don't think I have been. Have I ever questioned His reasons, doubted what the purpose was, asked how He could think of doing such a thing, spun circles in confusion wondering how I was supposed to deal with the fallout?  I have absolutely asked those questions. For years I have asked those questions and more. But I have never been angry at God for taking them.

I have heard our pastor talk about getting your frustrations out with God. He says it's ok to shout and rail against God because he knows what you are thinking anyway. He knows how you feel so it's ok to vent to him. He already knows when you are mad at him. And in our pastors wise opinion it's ok to shout it out at him because when you are already feeling that way, you might as well say it out loud and get it over with so you can move on.

I've never really been angry though. I have thought about this over the years and wondered if it was just something I didn't have in me. Was I afraid to be mad at God? Was I afraid of his reaction? Was I afraid I wasn't allowed to be angry?

I don't think any of those things are it. I just think I could never get mad at God when I didn't have any thing to do with bringing those babies to creation. I didn't create them, God did. He gave them to me and it was his right to take them away. It's sounds facetious but it's true. He didn't even had to give me the priveledge of being pregnant.  I actually feel lucky that I have been so blessed with being able to get pregnant easily. Some people would unwittingly take that for granted but I personally know women who don't get that privilege and I am grateful to be able to have that experience, even though they ended in such pain and heartache. I am grateful that I know one day I will see my sweet children again.

Do I wish things were different and that I could have my missing babies with me? Absolutely, I do. And do I wish I had never felt the pain of burying my own children? Without a doubt it's the hardest thing I've ever done. No matter how old they are, a parent always wants their children to outlive them. Do I get frustrated with the journey I've been on and continue down? Of course I do. But I don't ever get angry at God for it. My sweet children were all created with value, purpose, and a divine soul. No matter how short their earthly existence, they were here for a reason and they continue to live on now with God. Getting angry at him for taking them, when He created them and whom I will eventually see again, just doesn't seem right to me.

I'm not speaking about this expecting any one else to feel like me. Everyone feels and reacts differently to situations and being angry is a normal human emotion. If you are angry at God over something, there's no shame or harm in that. Let it all out. Tell God what you're thinking. He knows it anyway and you can breath a bit easier knowing you got everything off your chest. Trust me...God can take it. ;)
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