Have I told you I'm going to Belarus?

I always tell my kids that if they ever have anyone question them about God's existence, they need only to speak with me for a time and I could surely show them how real He is in my life. Whether they choose to follow Him or not is their choice, but God is clearly alive and working in me.

Too many stories, too many coincidences, too many unspoken answered requests for me to ever deny that my savior lives and is actively involved in my life.

Here's a perfect example.

Last year when my two oldest kids were heading off to their mission trip in Costa Rica, I told Shawn that I wanted to go with them the next year because they work with kids in the orphanages when they go and my heart has always desired to come along side orphans and work/help in some way.  We were also sending out a team at the same time to Belarus to help run a VBS for special needs kids and their families. Both teams were there that day, being prayed over before they all headed out.  Shawn asked me why wouldn't I want to go do the Belarus thing instead since I am heavily involved in the special needs area with my church and with my own son. He thought it would be a better fit. I told him that it wasn't my thing. I am already actively involved in working with special needs kids through our church, my community, and in my own family. I didn't need to travel around the world to do more of it.

Three days later, I was driving Liam to therapy, praying over my kids and their team in Costa Rica, asking God to allow the kids to see him in a new, tangible way and praying for their safety when my prayers were interrupted and I heard, "You're going to Belarus next year."

Excuse me?

Whaaaaaaaaat??

You have to understand, I had NO desire to go to Belarus. None. It hadn't ever crossed my mind and only because Shawn asked me about it had I ever even discussed it. This was not for me. It wasn't my thing. I didn't want to go.

Yet here I am in prayer over my children when a word from the Lord comes through loud and clear, completely seperate from my prayer content, and what seemed to be for me, from way out in left field. It was bizarre.

At first I wasn't sure it just wasn't my crazy brain thinking it all on it's own, but when I realized that I wasn't even praying over Belarus and the team and that I didn't even desire to go there, I knew this was absolutely a word from God. I got the chills. I didn't say anything to anyone.

Then the team got back two weeks later.

One of the members got off the plane, went home, and immediately called me. He says to me, "You're going to Belarus next year."

UH, Whaaaat?

I was floored. If he could have seen my face right then, I was just shocked.  I threw up excuses....it's too expensive, I just don't know, it's too expensive, I'd have to think about it.  And then he said, "No, really, you are going next year. God already told me." And I'm thinking, yeah, he told me that too buddy.

I didn't tell him right then what I had heard God clearly say to me in prayer. I kept it quiet until I saw his wife, and still in a stage of unbelief, I shared with her what had happened. I told her the whole story. She said that it was confirmed to me three different times over three weeks. Pretty hard to dispute that I shouldn't go.

And God has had my back every step of the way. All of the money needed to get my team over to Belarus has been paid for. He has worked out all the plans and everything is going perfectly for our team to live courageously, answering God's call, and work with special needs families and their children.

I do appreciate your prayers for us as we go. We don't go until the end of July but things are a mess in Ukraine, which is right below Belarus, so we pray for continued peace in Belarus because the town we are in will be right on the Russian border. I don't like flying that much so prayer for me as I travel without Shawn who normally keeps me sane in the plane and of course prayer for safe travels and lives touched and changed.  <3 p="">

We will be flying into Minsk and then on to the city of Orsha.

How amazing is our God? I freely admit, I had no desire to go, but God has seen fit to send me and I couldn't be anymore excited. I know this trip is for his glory and is serving a huge purpose not only in my life but in the lives of all those who will hear the story. Because I am proof that our God is a living, active father who speaks and only asks us to listen and say yes.

Not my way.

I've been asked before if I have ever been angry at God for taking two of my children from me.  I can honestly answer that with a no.  I have never been angry at God for it. At least I don't think I have been. Have I ever questioned His reasons, doubted what the purpose was, asked how He could think of doing such a thing, spun circles in confusion wondering how I was supposed to deal with the fallout?  I have absolutely asked those questions. For years I have asked those questions and more. But I have never been angry at God for taking them.

I have heard our pastor talk about getting your frustrations out with God. He says it's ok to shout and rail against God because he knows what you are thinking anyway. He knows how you feel so it's ok to vent to him. He already knows when you are mad at him. And in our pastors wise opinion it's ok to shout it out at him because when you are already feeling that way, you might as well say it out loud and get it over with so you can move on.

I've never really been angry though. I have thought about this over the years and wondered if it was just something I didn't have in me. Was I afraid to be mad at God? Was I afraid of his reaction? Was I afraid I wasn't allowed to be angry?

I don't think any of those things are it. I just think I could never get mad at God when I didn't have any thing to do with bringing those babies to creation. I didn't create them, God did. He gave them to me and it was his right to take them away. It's sounds facetious but it's true. He didn't even had to give me the priveledge of being pregnant.  I actually feel lucky that I have been so blessed with being able to get pregnant easily. Some people would unwittingly take that for granted but I personally know women who don't get that privilege and I am grateful to be able to have that experience, even though they ended in such pain and heartache. I am grateful that I know one day I will see my sweet children again.

Do I wish things were different and that I could have my missing babies with me? Absolutely, I do. And do I wish I had never felt the pain of burying my own children? Without a doubt it's the hardest thing I've ever done. No matter how old they are, a parent always wants their children to outlive them. Do I get frustrated with the journey I've been on and continue down? Of course I do. But I don't ever get angry at God for it. My sweet children were all created with value, purpose, and a divine soul. No matter how short their earthly existence, they were here for a reason and they continue to live on now with God. Getting angry at him for taking them, when He created them and whom I will eventually see again, just doesn't seem right to me.

I'm not speaking about this expecting any one else to feel like me. Everyone feels and reacts differently to situations and being angry is a normal human emotion. If you are angry at God over something, there's no shame or harm in that. Let it all out. Tell God what you're thinking. He knows it anyway and you can breath a bit easier knowing you got everything off your chest. Trust me...God can take it. ;)

Complaints

Do everything without complaining or disputing so that you will be blameless and pure, children of God without any fault. But you are living with evil people all around you, who have lost their sense of what is right. Among those people you shine like lights in a dark world, and you offer them the teaching that gives life. Philippians 2:14-16 

This verse can be such a hard one for us parents of special kids. Do everything without complaining or disputing?  Wow. That's a sucker punch to the gut isn't it? I know I'm guilty of complaining when Liam has thrown up four times in one day. I'm guilty of complaining when we can't get the services, equipment, or therapies for Liam that I want. And I have certainly complained when things didn't go the way I had expected.  I'm pretty sure I disputed God's call to take Brady home too.

But this verse is a great reminder for us as Christian's. It's important to take an honest look at our motives in these situations and assess what our complaints are about and what affect we are causing.

When you delve into the Greek text for these verses you will see that the words for complaining (goggusmos) and disputing (dialogismos) were terms used for grumbling against God and in the body of Christ, causing dissensions and low grumbling discontent. We must make sure we do not get into a habit of complaining (grumbling and murmuring) like ancient Israel. While my grumblings may not be a continual grumble of discontent against God, they still affect my attitude toward what The Lord has sought to do in my life. My grumblings lesson his sovereignty, His will for my life.

I know my Jesus is big enough to to let His light shine through in my darkness (when I have complained) so that I may offer others the teaching that gives life.  I pray that my circumstances will allow others to see Christ in me and even though I may complain a few times, I know that I am better because of my circumstances because I have a hope and joy in Jesus that overpowers the problems I may face here.

I complained because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. (Arab proverb)

It's official.

It hard to believe that it's really happening. That I have officially (and finally) bought the plane tickets for Liam and me to the Dominican! We leave Feb 20th for a 3 night trip.

The fact that we raised the last of the money is just unbelievable. And this was no small amount that was needed. To go with the most beneficial procedure was an additional $4200 (we found this out only after getting approved as they just started using this method of delivery) and God provided that in 3 weeks. Three weeks people! We didn't ask anyone for it. We prayed and asked God to provide, if possible, so we could give Liam the best chance on this trip.
     
To have the way paved so clearly is at times breathtaking.

I will admit, I am nervous about a few details which I am praying over and have been praying over for some time.  I will be traveling alone with Liam, which in and of itself is no big deal if we were in a car, but being in an airplane full of people in very close proximity with a child that isn't typical has me on edge. I am praying for accommodating, understanding, and patient people to be placed near us. He has crazy arms, up in the air and out to the sides that can hit really hard. Plus he can projectile vomit a good two feet away.

I am praying that won't happen.

Being in an airport for layover times is not ideal. Liam only does well for long times sitting if he is in his adaptive stroller/wheelchair and I can't take that with me. He prefers to lay down. I may have to let him sprawl out on the floor. Or let him take up a bench.

Then of course, I am praying for BIG, BIG, BIG changes for Liam....Specifically, I am praying for head control.

Liam would love that.

Me too.



Psalm 34:17-18: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Grateful Prayers

How do you truly thank the people who have helped you along the way when words seem ineffective, inadequate and undescriptive? You want them to know how truly grateful you are yet words are not good enough. So, you pray. Pray that God would bless them abundantly, that God would shower them with great and good things. And you pray that they would feel the gratefulness we have through the greatness of our God.

I am so blessed to be a part of this great plan God has for me.

I won't lie. Some days suck. Some days I just want to be a mom. I don't want to be a therapist anymore. I don't want to be the shuttle driver to this appointment and then that one. I don't want to clean up vomit again...for the second, third time in one day. I just want to have a normal life back.

And yet, at the center of all this messed up, craziness that my life has become, I am so grateful to be a part of God's bigger plan. God knew at the beginning where Liam would be (Acts 17:26 says: He determines the times set for men and the exact places they should live). He has used Liam in ways I will never know, that I can not see this side of heaven.  And at times he has allowed me a small glimpse into His purpose. I have asked to be used through this all and He is answering. He is using me, building his vessel and creating something beautiful from the shattered pieces. He always provides when we seek him.

Liam being denied treatment last year was disgustingly frustrating. We had fundraised, prayed, fattened Liam up, got the money needed, got Liam fat enough, and then got the door slammed shut. I couldn't believe it! I felt foolish, disappointed, and like a fraud doing fundraising for a treatment we couldn't even get. I don't understand why we couldn't go last year. But that was what God wanted.

This year, I applied again, before even fattening Liam up and he was approved immediately. But there was a few bumps in the road this time. We no longer had all the money because the price went up since we last applied. We also were given three different treatment options with different prices and all with different possible increased results to choose from. Oh Lord, what do we do?

I prayed. I prayed that the decision would be made in the end based on what finances we had available at that time. I thought I'd do a small fund raiser for tees to get us going. I did not mention what my heart desired which was the most expensive treatment option. I kept that to myself. It is the better "bang for our buck" treatment and so I hoped for this one, assuming we would be doing the cheapest one.

But God knew my heart and he heard my prayers. Would you believe that He answered my silent hopes by providing the needed money with out even asking one single person for it?

Not a one!

Ephesians 3:20 Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine.

I had two separate checks show up in my mailbox a couple of weeks apart, one from a complete stranger, propelling us to within achieving the total!!

We then received another large donation, from another stranger, through Liam's paypal account bringing us to right under the total needed! 

I am in awe. To be able to take part in God's plan and witness first hand his miraculous answer to prayer blows me away. I have truly been at a loss for words and have sat with this blog post in editing mode for days. My thanks is not good enough for the people who have so selflessly given to my little boy, a boy they don't personally know, yet God placed on their heart to help. My words can not fully express my gratitude for being given such a precious gift, such a glimpse of something so much bigger than myself.

I have been so blessed by this journey, awed by God's provision, and humbled by His people. That He would let me see so closely His work in this has me at a loss for words and grateful for his direction.

Acts 17:27 God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.