Joy comes in the mourning

I have a friend whose son died last month after a seizure. Only 12 days before he would have turned 20 years old. So young. It was unexpected, a total, complete surprise. It was nothing they could have prepared for.

My friend lives in my old hometown and I had been praying that I would get a chance to see her when we went back there recently. I just wanted to give her a hug, for me or for her, I don't know. I just wanted to tell her in person how sorry I was.

I had been standing in the lobby of our old church talking with friends, waiting for the right moment to go into the church as it had already begun, when she walked out of the bathroom right in front of me. I looked at her, she looked at me and then we just hugged. We quietly cried in each others embrace and just let the tears flow. No words were needed. Just two mothers sharing tears of sadness over our losses, over each others losses. Two mothers whose arms ache to hug the ones we miss. Two mothers joined by a situation different, yet the same; we've lost a child too soon. She has memories to fall back on and miss the son she shared them with. I have no memories of times spent and miss the opportunities I should have had.

My friend had a large bundle of tissues at the ready in her purse. We dabbed at our tears and she asked me when it gets better.

I don't know.

I told her it does get easier.

It gets easier, but it never gets 'better'. You are never better than you were before. The loss of your child is forever with you. The slightest thought at the most random times can ignite a tidal wave of emotions that spill the tears when you least expect it. Just when you think you've shed your last tear, that you have gained the strength to move on without being emotional over the smallest thing, you are reminded through someone else's loss and yours become fresh and new again.

But we do have joy in these times.

Through our faith in Christ.

We know that God already knew how things were to be.

Psalm 139:16 All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

I don't know how people who have no hope in Christ get through it. What a dismal, depressing thought that the only moments we ever have are here on earth and once you die it's all over. There is no point, no future, no hope without Christ.

It does make our sorrow easier to know that we will see them again. And while we have to learn to live this earthly life without them, we can have peace knowing our loss is heaven's gain and someday we will see them again.

How good was God to give me the opportunity I had asked for. I could have easily missed seeing her but He brought us face to face. So I could give her a hug.

Unnoticed

I feel like a horrible mother. March 3rd came and went with not so much as a fleeting wisp of thought concerning my daughter.

Kyle Ann's birthday was last week and I didn't even notice the date. Somehow it just hit me this morning that I had missed it. I had completely forgot.

She would be four now. She would be running around wearing princess dresses and high heeled shoes that are too big for her little feet. She'd have bows in her hair long, straight brown hair and she'd giggle at the affections of her older siblings.  Or would she be running around in cowboy boots fighting off the bad guys with a light saber? Would she be spunky and outgoing like Aidan or would she have been shy and soft spoken like Rylie? Would she have idolized her only big brother?

I don't know. And it hurts to not have been given that opportunity.  I always wonder what's harder, losing a child you had memories with or one that you didn't get to make any with at all.

But I do take great solace in knowing that I will see her again someday.

If you haven't heard of the books Heaven is for Real or The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven, I highly encourage you to read them. They are very quick reads but are amazing reflections on what has been told to us thousands of years ago in the Bible.

One of the points that really stood out to me was in Heaven is for Real. The little boy in this story travels to heaven when he was very sick and months later mentions a small bit of information about his journey as he passes by the hospital. When details finally fully emerge, the family realizes that their son knew things that were impossible for him to know because he was under heavy sedation at the time. And he tells the mom he got to meet his sister while he was there during his surgery. "What sister?" the moms asks him. "The one who died in your tummy." he says.  This little boy had never been told about his mother's miscarriage. Ever. He had no earthly knowledge of it, but he came back from heaven having met her.

There are so many details in these two stories that are just chilling. Rare present day glimpses of God allowing heaven to be seen. I was reminded that I will see my Kyle Ann and Brady again. And that they will know me and the rest of their family when we get there.

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday sweet girl. I miss you Kyle Ann. Some day we'll get to celebrate the day together.

October 15th

Did you know that October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? Many people aren't aware that this day has been designated a national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss.

In addition to October 15th being declared a remembrance day, October is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

So, light a candle, say a prayer, or send a card to someone you know who has lost a child and tell them you are thinking of them this month.

A parent never forgets the child they can no longer hold in their arms.