08 March 2011


I feel like a horrible mother. March 3rd came and went with not so much as a fleeting wisp of thought concerning my daughter.

Kyle Ann's birthday was last week and I didn't even notice the date. Somehow it just hit me this morning that I had missed it. I had completely forgot.

She would be four now. She would be running around wearing princess dresses and high heeled shoes that are too big for her little feet. She'd have bows in her hair long, straight brown hair and she'd giggle at the affections of her older siblings.  Or would she be running around in cowboy boots fighting off the bad guys with a light saber? Would she be spunky and outgoing like Aidan or would she have been shy and soft spoken like Rylie? Would she have idolized her only big brother?

I don't know. And it hurts to not have been given that opportunity.  I always wonder what's harder, losing a child you had memories with or one that you didn't get to make any with at all.

But I do take great solace in knowing that I will see her again someday.

If you haven't heard of the books Heaven is for Real or The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven, I highly encourage you to read them. They are very quick reads but are amazing reflections on what has been told to us thousands of years ago in the Bible.

One of the points that really stood out to me was in Heaven is for Real. The little boy in this story travels to heaven when he was very sick and months later mentions a small bit of information about his journey as he passes by the hospital. When details finally fully emerge, the family realizes that their son knew things that were impossible for him to know because he was under heavy sedation at the time. And he tells the mom he got to meet his sister while he was there during his surgery. "What sister?" the moms asks him. "The one who died in your tummy." he says.  This little boy had never been told about his mother's miscarriage. Ever. He had no earthly knowledge of it, but he came back from heaven having met her.

There are so many details in these two stories that are just chilling. Rare present day glimpses of God allowing heaven to be seen. I was reminded that I will see my Kyle Ann and Brady again. And that they will know me and the rest of their family when we get there.

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday sweet girl. I miss you Kyle Ann. Some day we'll get to celebrate the day together.

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