04 June 2012

No longer coping.

A friend posted on Facebook a while back something that really got me thinking.

Her post: just realized I have not cried about J one single day in the last 4 mos. I was at my worst about the middle of his life when the "wait and see" was starting to play out and apparent that my fears of his severity were true. But man, I thought I would never come out of those days but now I even have days where I like having a kiddo that is so different. It isn't all roses and sunshine...it's a lot of work & I'm sure I'll still have bad moments...but what doesn't kill you does make you stronger. 

I realized after reading her post that I was right there in those shoes with her. She's way ahead of me though because her child is much younger than Liam.  I've just now gotten to where she is.

I can honestly say that for the first time, these last few months have had me not experiencing any of the depression and fear that comes with this life we now lead with Liam.  

We aren't just coping anymore. We are living.

It's hard to put into words how much, fear, depression, anger, resentment, and sadness takes over at random moments when you are dealing with a new normal like ours. It will just hit you. I could go weeks at a time feeling happy and okay with life but then I would all of a sudden have two to three days, even a week, of depression over how much work this is and how many issues Liam has. I would get down and stay down. And the overwhelming issues he faces, we face, would cloud all of my thoughts. But eventually I would snap out of it and be back to myself again. Not letting on to anyone around me of what was going through me.

It's been encouraging for me now to realize that I have made it through the worst parts. It isn't all 'roses and sunshine' and sometimes I still have bad days. But they could be much worse. I could be bitter. And I could be making my kids life hell because of my inability to move on.

I do have issues that crop up that I don't know I will ever be able to get over. Certain situations can bring instant anxiety and I flee from them. I'm assuming that's a form of PTSD. But at least I don't dwell on them like I used to.

I have never gotten angry with God over what we have gone through. It's just not in me to be that way to Him. I have questioned. Believe me...I have.  But I haven't gotten an answer. And I have doubted greatly His plan with Liam many, many times. But God always brings me back to the point that He created Liam in the first place and He chose to give him a life here with us instead of taking him home with Brady. And for that I am forever grateful. No matter how difficult things are, knowing Liam now and living a crazy life with him here has been such a beautiful blessing, even when I haven't always seen it as such.

It's been such a slow healing process for me. If someone had told me it would take 4 years for me to get to the point I'm at now I would have thought them crazy. I would have said I was fine years ago. And I doubt I'll ever be 'over it'. But I am finally enjoying every minute of it.

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