31 August 2009

Win or lose, live or die.

In war, you win or lose, live or die- and the difference is just an eyelash.
-Douglas MacArthur

I accidentally came across this quote after I had taken this picture of Liam.

But, I don't believe in accidents or mistakes. I believe there is a purpose for everything. While sometimes none of it makes sense, that doesn't mean there is no purpose. We just can't see it or don't understand it.

Shawn and I have finally made the decision to go ahead with the surgery for the g-tube. I think making the decision has been the hardest part and still not one I am comfortable with saying out loud. But we both know it is a war that we are fighting and the battle lines are being drawn in such a way that we are a hairsbreadth away from getting all the nutrition in Liam that he needs.

Being such a fine line away means we are still losing this battle. And while I still have a lot of fight left in me, I do not want Liam to suffer from my war.

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Only the Sheppards said...

Jennifer, I know this has been tough for you... And you have no idea how much I admire you for how strong you are, and what an amazing mother you are. Just know that maybe it's not always winning the impossible battles that make good mothers, it's caring enough to fight them when no one else would.


K said...

I'm so sorry you finally have to do this thing that you have been fighting tooth and nail to avoid. It may be a blessing in disguise, though...just think of the things you'll be able to do with all the time and energy that up til now has been spent trying to get (and keep) food in his belly. Maybe once the urgency of eatting is taken away, and he is allowed to eat what and when he wants, he will learn to enjoy food. Anyways, I hope everything works out with the g-tube and that it proves to be in his best interest.

Angie said...

Jennifer, I just read the news and wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart breaks for you because I know how difficult this decision must have been, I've been in similar positions trying to determine what to do as it related to Lucas' neurosurgeries. Its so incredibly hard as a mother to make these decisions.

I have a feeling that after it is done, you will finally be able to breathe and feel the weight of this lifted. I have always felt that the period of indecision was far worse on me emotionally than when it is all finally behind you. Literally, within minutes of the surgeries being over, I felt better because I could then just concentrate on moving forward.
I think you are doing the right thing, for what its worth. A lot of good can come from this, most of all ensuring his good health and your sanity!

Keep your head up, you are an amazingly strong woman! Know that I'm thinking of you!

Unknown said...

Hi Jen,
As you know I fought this decision for awhile also and today I can say it was the best thing to do! Jonathan is eating again just started chewing and just LOVES food! He has never pulled the tube out, we had some issues with the growth around his site but easily managed and no longer a problem and his refluxing is not a problem! The best part is you can blend food and give it through the tube, we use only organic foods and with this blended diet it comes to about 39 cals an ounce! Good luck and lots of prayers your way!

23 weekers said...

Jen, I know you didn't want to go this route, but you know what's best for Liam, and if this is what you decided, then it's best for him. I think you'll be pleased with the results. Maybe not right away, but in time. I don't regret our decision to get the G-tubes. In the beginning, I thought, "What have I done?" Now, I thank God that I have them. Eating is so stressfree now. I know my kids get all of the nutrition they need for good brain development, and nobody can even tell they have it. They are very easily tucked away. Are they doing a fundo for his reflux?

Thinking of you,