05 September 2009

Doubting

doubt


-verb (used with object)
  1. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe
  2. to distrust
  3. Archaic. to fear; to be apprehensive about
-verb (used without object)
  1. to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief

I am not certain. Of that I am certain.

I was sure of the choice to get the g-tube, although regrettably so, and now I am not so sure.

I don't know whether we are making the right decision! I am questioning, at length, whether this is the wisest choice.

I am questioning if this is what God wants.

I am questioning if I should just try harder.

I am questioning if Liam needs it now.

I am questioning if Liam needs it at all.

In my fears and frustrations am I resorting to this surgery when the status quo isn't so bad? Is it the unknown I'm fearing? Is it the surgery?

How do we know we are making the right choice?

He is still eating.... And he's actually done well these last few days.

I am not alone in questioning. Or in my doubting. Everyone has occasional doubts. And sometimes, doubting is a good thing.

I think my doubts will continue to be a struggle for me. I want to be assured of this decision. I want to know without a doubt that we are choosing the right thing. I want to know how it all turns out and if I will have any regrets.

Will I regret not trying harder?

Will I regret not waiting longer.

Will I regret not being able to play with and rub his tummy like I do now.

Will I regret getting the tube at all?

I don't know. And that is the crux. I just don't know.


Ben Franklin said:

"When in doubt, don't."

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3 comments:

Daxton's Personal Assistant said...

I have no words of advice to give... I just wanted to tell you that daily I question decisions I have made with my son. I'm fairly sure most of them were right, not sure about all of them, but I know... I KNOW... My gut was usually right, even when it wasn't the decision I wanted it to be. I know you guys will make the best decision, and therefore Liam will do great because of it, no matter what that decision is. Good luck! We'll be praying for you guys...

Rebecca said...

praying for you!!

23 Weekers said...

I know this is a really hard decision for you.

I'm thinking about you.

Shanon