27 August 2010

Twinless twin

I don't know that I'll ever be able to get over the fact that I have twins and Liam is twinless.

When we were planning for Liam and Brady it was one of the most fun and exciting times of our lives. And just like with any pregnancy, you set up these hopes and dreams and ideas only to see them all come crashing down around you. It's hard to recover from it.

Getting over the loss of a child is unique to every person. We had to learn to cope after Kyle Ann died. She was supposed to have been my last pregnancy. And it wasn't easy for me to do. But I quickly got pregnant with the boys and it definitely took a lot of the pain away. I had something new to look forward to and help ease the loss.

But now, there hasn't been anything to take the pain away other than time. The pain has gotten manageable. I can be out in public and see twins and not have to veer off in the other direction, but it still sends something shocking through me to see it. I get jealous. They have what I was supposed to have. Two healthy beautiful children. And if people around me talk about twins, it really gets to me, very much. I should have my boys. And I want everyone to know that I have twins too. They just aren't together right now.

I greatly fear the day that someone around me gets pregnant with twins. I am not sure how I will be able to handle it. I imagine that my flight response will kick in and I'll need to keep a lot of distance.

There are support groups for moms and kids of twinless twins. It is a recognized issue, the loss of a twin, and one that doesn't heal easy.

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